She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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