God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
