Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
