I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
