hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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