I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
