I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
