dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
