Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
