i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
