just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
