I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
