made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
