I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
