and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
