2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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