oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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