so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
