**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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