she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
dude. I can hear the air.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
