she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
