Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
