I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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