the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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