So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
