Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
