did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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