im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
