He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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