dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
