hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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