while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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