there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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