I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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