Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
