oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
