I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They took my balls.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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