Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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