who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
