it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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