the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
