The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
