proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Quick, to the slutcave!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
