dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
