take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
