Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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