I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
