I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
