My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
