Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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